"A Very Bad Story"

“You know, I’d pry have to say that out of all the 4’8”, 146 pd Daves in the world, I’m easily the best looking.” Dave reaches for his yellow generic toothbrush and begins scrubbing vigorously.  “Clean teeth are important , I always say, but that goes without saying. Whoops, I’ve gotten toothpaste in my black, bushy beard again.” Dave reaches for the towel, his first plan of action when an event such as this occurs.. He breathes a sigh as he cinches up his pants and leaves the bathroom. “ Time to start my day, noone else can start it for me. Or can they?” Dave experiences a momentary setback as he ponders the potentiality of such an idea. “Another person living my life for me, Ha ha, foolishness.” Dave closes his slightly rusted, almond green door behind him and starts his day.

             “I wonder if the stars are aligned today, this could have an impact on the time it takes me to get to my job which is just down the street and to the left.” Dave owns a shop which specializes in novels and tea. It’s called “Now that’s a novelty”. Dave begins quickening his pace, his heart begins beating more rapidly and he begins to perspire. Feeling short of breath, Dave sits down on an old 1950’s style park bench complete with vintage wood and begins thinking aloud. “Why do I feel this way? I haven’t felt this way since . . . Her!” Dave feels the 5 hairs on the back of neck stand on end as he turns around and is shocked to see his ex-girlfriend Chloris sitting on the bench next to him. “Dave, Dave Whytley, is that you?”, “Yes, yes it is” Dave answers resignedly. “Of all the park benches in the world and I have to sit on yours.” , “Now what kind of attitude is that, honestly, David. Thanks for reminding me why I broke up with you all those years ago on September 19, 2000.”, “You broke up with me! I broke up with you because you were, you were cheating on me with our couples counselor. I never did get my refund you know.”, “Oh boohoo, you didn’t get your money back. You would have just spent the money on your Mother anyways. Honestly, how many operations can one woman have.”, “You know I’m feeling better, I’m going to go to my job now. My job where people appreciate and need me. My job, where I’m not abused by an emotionally reclusive shrew.

And even if Sally is distant at times at least she’s going to therapy. At least she’s working on self actualization.”, “That’s just like you to bring Sally into it. Great, compare me to a Shrew, what do I care. At least I’m potty trained. And another thing . . . David?”, “What?”, “Is that a possum in your pants?”, “Now what kind of a stupid . . . Oh Good Heavens! It is. Shoo you, shoo.” Dave shakes the possum out of his pant leg and proceeds to sit down on the bench again. “How could you not recognize that there was a possum crawling up your leg?”, “Prosthetic leg. I lost mine at the fair. Orange County fair to be exact. Run away Ferris wheel. Cut it clean off.”, “ That’s horrible.”, “Oh it could’ve been worse. I was refunded for my ticket.”, ”Honestly Dave, I don’t understand you.”, “ I never asked you to understand me Chloris, just to love me.” Chloris begins to cry. “I told myself I wouldn’t cry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to cry when you have a glass eye?”, “You have a glass eye?”, “You’re not the only Orange County fair casualty. Yep, Mine was a corn dog accident.  ‘Would you like fries with that?’ Yadda yadda yadda, I can’t see out of my left eye.”, “Your left eye was always my favorite.”, “Thank you. I always liked your left leg best.”

“Thank you. Well, let’s hope there are no more accidents in our future. Knock on wood!” Dave and Chloris share a laugh as they both tap on Dave’s prosthetic leg. Neither Dave or Chloris were prepared for the apocalypse that was to come.

            Dave is the first to notice something is wrong when he asks, “Does the ground seem like it’s opening up to you?”, “You mean in an emotional self-disclosure kind of  way?”, “No, more of a ‘I think we’re going to die if we don’t leave’ sort of way.”, “Well, leave it to us to sit on the only park bench that’s in the middle of an apocalypse. Well I guess my only regret was that I couldn’t be as faithful to you as you were to me. I mean it might be the whole ‘I’m going to die’ but I love you Dave Whytley.”, “And I you, Chloris I forgot your last name at the moment but I still love you. If we survive, let’s give it another go.”, “Really?”, “Yah, I mean it.”, “Wow, who’ve thought that  the earth opening up to swallow us whole would be the best thing to happen to our relationship. I love you Dave.”, “I love you Chloris.” Dave and Chloris share a heartfelt embrace and  breathe a sigh of relief as the director yells, “Cut!”.